Long Story Short ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trip to Vermont I just chortled a little bit from glee. It's Monday and I'm the only one in my office. One coworker is currently starting her three week vacation in Colorado. My boss's father died last week and she is out indefinitely. Mary is at a meeting in Cambridge all day - really she probably had a half hour meeting and took the rest of the day off but who am I to point a finger? So.....just me folks. I was bumming about that at first, I've been isolated in my own little head all day. But it just occurred to me that thanks to my flurry of productive activity this morning I can breathe a little easy and read some diaries, write in my journal, email my women and manfriends, bitch and moan about this or that, whatever I want. And that feels good at 2:24pm on a Monday morning. I could use some coffee, maybe. I'm feeling really weird again today. This morning I had yet another crying-at-my desk moment. I just got all full of sadness and my eyes welled up and I could have just collapsed in a weepy disgusting mess. I am HATING these fucking pills at this point. Pills are supposed to make you happy not psychotic. I finally talked to my doctor about it and she's switching me to a different pill. But I still have to wait these out for two more weeks and then start on the new kind. So two more weeks of random anger, sadness, and insecurity. Speaking of insecurity I had an "oh shit" moment this weekend. Professor K and I were all high and tipsy from a day of fun, sun, beer drinking, and happy hour. We were watching Blind Date and giggling about the freaks that go on there, like who watches that show dead silent and all engrossed anyway? There was a date where the girl was a small curvy brunette who apparently used to be overweight but had recently shed something like thirty pounds. Anyway her self esteem was completely in the shitter. The guy she was on the date with was very complimentary of her and she kept shooting down his compliments and basically self-hating. And I was snarking on that and being all "oh THAT'S attractive" when I got up to go get some more food and Professor K said "See, that's why it bothers me so much when you say you're fat". And I was like "uh..." BURN! Light dawning on my recent insanity and how it has basically leveled my confidence. I have been making comments, very un-Carly comments, about how I'm fat. I usually never do this, regardless of how much weight I've gained or lost. But the last two months I'm just been repulsed by my own body. Every time I look in the mirror all I see is big pale hunks of flab. And I've been noting this out loud apparently. I don't blame Professor K for hating it, it's something I"ve always hated when I've seen it in others. And I hate the things that Professor K puts himself down for, especially the ones that are all in his head. And here I am with my loser fat obsession. Anyway, I'm SO GLAD he said that because it woke me up about how annoying I've been. Again, I can't stress enough how much I hate what these pills are doing to me. And...the ex. I haven't talked to her again since our phone conversation on Thursday. Strangely I kind of expected an email from her this morning addressing how badly the conversation went. But then I never contacted her either so I guess I'm not surprised. I do desperately want to email her and say something but I know it wouldn't come out right. I wish I could have someone else write what I'm thinking and feeling but in a concise, non-emotional way. I really want to address this problem because it does affect me - I can't run from her phone calls at work because I have to pick up the phone. But it's also the worst possible place to talk to her because I can't say what I'm really thinking. And all I'm really thinking is "PLEASE STOP!" Stop talking, stop calling me, stop reminding me that you exist. Which is horribly selfish, I'm aware of this. But she causes me a great deal of stress and anxiety and me no likey stress and anxiety. Especially when life can be tricky enough without having unnecessarily unpleasant phone conversations with exes. I spent this past weekend in Vermont at my parents' condo. I hadn't realized how long it had been since I'd been up there. They had it remodeled a few years ago and it looks so much nicer. It was always cozy but it had this 70's fabulous pumpkin orange carpet and a lot of older looking carpentry. My parents had a lot of light wood and cabinets added, new carpet, the works. And new mattresses on the beds. I kept getting a bit discombobulated in the kitchen - the microwave used to be in one place and is now installed over the stove. So every time I had to microwave something I'd stand there looking around for five minutes before I realized where it was. Duh. The weekend was amazing. It was cool and crisp but warm enough to swim in the pool and lay out. A tiny bit chilly - lots of goose bumps - but still wonderful. The air up there is fresh and clean, the view is of rolling mountains and green trees. It's just such a nice break from the smog and heat and general assholiness of where I live. Not that I dislike where I live, I sure as hell wouldn't move to a ski resort in rural Vermont unless I was in my 70's, but it can grate on the nerves. The pets loved it! Hunter had never had so much space and he galloped around the condo like a tiny maniac - the bedrooms are on the bottom floor and we would lay in bed at night and hear him charging around upstairs. He weighs four pounds but he sounded like a horse. And Bailey is always in her element up there. Smiling, wagging her tail, running around in the grass, even jumping into the pool to swim with us a bit. That's against the rules but since we also had sex in the pool and smoked a bit by the pool we figured the dog swimming was not the end of the world. It was so nice introducing Professor K to Vermont. I've been going there since I was a little kid, my parents bought the place in 1987 but we went up to stay with friends before that. Professor K loved it and I was really glad. When I was a teenager my friends liked it but mostly for its away from parents advantages. There really isn't much to do. But once you're a working adult who gets stressed out by responsibility you quickly learn to appreciate silence and clean air and amazing stars. 2:21 p.m. - 2004-07-19 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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