Long Story Short ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thoughts on the Ex It's hump day! And I'm wearing my new pinstripe blazer, as promised. I feel FAB-U-LOUS! Two people literally gasped when they saw me today. Apparently I usually look like a pile of runny dog shit. Well really I look like I rolled out of bed late, took a quick shower, threw on some wrinkled clothes, and schlepped into work. Cause that's how my mornings often go. I'm looking good. And I just bought the new People magazine with Britney and her loverboy on the cover. I'm furtively trying to read it - it's hidden under a pile of fake work papers that I keep rustling around whenever someone walks by. Thank God for privacy screens - I can read diaries and TWoP, write emails and stuff. It's fun and totally not productive at all. And there's the magazine if the system shuts down for some reason. And I look so professional how could someone doubt my incredible work ethic? I think Britney looks pretty crappy lately. She seems to have bad acne right now, every picture I see of her that isn't airbrushed has her looking raggedy and chubby. With blank gunk all over her face. She does the all-the-way-around-the-eye black eyeliner and it seems to smudge a lot. And her hair looks awful. And yes, I do care how Britney is looking. Because in order for her to be deserving of all that ridiculous money she has she ought to be trying harder to look nice. If I see her in one more pair of super short denim shorts I will have some sort of attack. She looks AWFUL. Buy some pants bitch! Your legs are fat! I'm sleepy. I "found" some Vicodin this weekend and took a few yesterday. All I can say is Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH But then I tried to wake up this morning and it was very sad. I did get up and even got to work early but I am still all sleepy. I had tons of coffee but it wore off. I have a diet coke with lime but it tastes like a fake cocktail which is throwing me off. ________________________________________ I haven't heard from the ex. She emailed me last week to see how I was and I wrote her back this longass email about how happy I was, how Professor K and I signed a lease, how in love I am, how centered I feel. I figured she'd be calling me up or emailing me back congratulating me. She's usually the love police and back in the day she used to practically pee her pants over happy couples. But no response yet. I'm not self-centered enough to think it has anything to do with what I wrote - I can't imagine she feels any jealousy after all this time. Especially with her new girlfriend, and her recent implications that I may not be as irresistible as she used to make me think I was. An example of something she recently said to me: "I've never been in a serious relationship with someone that I was attracted to when we first met". Umm...okay? Thanks. Sorry for the digression. Anyway, she's just really busy. Where my life has taken a turn for the domestic, hers is all business-oriented. She works 12 to 14 hour days every day, even weekends. And then she plays HARD. Just like she always did. My playing hard days seem to be dwindling to practically nothing. I have my occasional cocktail or evening of puffing but for the most part I'm sober. I always knew we would grow apart because we're such different people but I never saw it going the way that it has. In ten years I'll be a surburban soccer mom, maybe room mother or head of the PTA, and she'll be running the country. Or maybe it won't be that dramatic a difference. Who knows? I'd like to hear back from her, though. I'd like to get her two cents on my current situation. It would be awesome to hear her say "That's great! I'm so happy for you! I'm glad you found someone that can make you happy and give you what you need in a relationship!" But if I don't hear that I guess it's not the end of the world. Okay now that I just read that over it sounds like I wrote her an email entirely about myself, which is not true. I spent the first half addressing her current life and friends, saying nice and encouraging things about it. I think I sounded really friendly and interested. Then, only because she specifically asked me, I addressed my relationship. And it was news-worthy because of the new apartment. And she has been asking me for details about my relationship for months and I haven't given her any so it was time for me to finally do that. When we first started dating other people she tried to set up the situation that she always falls into - she dates the new person but stays very very close friends with the ex. That puts the new person on the defensive, and allows her to heavily discuss her new relationship with her ex, someone who knows her very well. She and I would talk on the phone almost as regularly as we did when we were together only we now introduced the topic of dating. It was fun but also weird. Then I met Professor K and I called her and told her that I had met someone. I tried to convey that it was serious but she reacted by telling me about all of her "boyfriends". So I stopped talking about him because listening to her trivialize my relationship by comparing it to the guys that she was manipulating and toying with made me feel bad. When she would call to have a bitch session about her new girlfriend I would listen and laugh and comment. But she'd ask about Professor K and I'd say he was good and that I was happy. She'd fish for more detail and I would say nothing. I had this block about allowing her into my new relationship because I didn't want her to have any "I know you better than he does" power, or to get me started listing my little pet peeves so that it turned into a regular Professor-bashing session whenever she called. I don't think my decision was really as rational as that but more an instictual feeling of needing to protect what I had. And I am soooo glad that I reacted that way because now I have a relationship entirely separate from her. She knows literally nothing about him so there is no room for her to judge us or do her "Dr. Ex-Girlfriend" psychoanalysis routine. So my email to her was my first really detailed description of Professor K, of how we work together, and the first time I really told her how much he means to me. It had been enough time and I was confident enough that he and I are closer than she and I ever were. Whether she responds the way I want or not I'm really glad I told her all of that. We're friends, I'm sure she wants to know that I'm happy and in love. And I am ridiculously pleased that I wouldn't let her into my world with the Professor until now. ________________________________________ My wrist is killing me. I'm wearing a really cute new silver bracelent that softly jingles when I wiggle my wrist. But when I put my hand on my mouse the chain grinds into my hand. Over the course of the day I have created a sore spot. I may need a vicodin when I get home. 3:48 p.m. - 2004-07-07 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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