Long Story Short ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- back to work, happy Mmmmm....what a weekend. Four days off is an unbelievably long time. It didn't fly by either, it took its time and I really appreciated each day. I'm not thrilled to be back at work but it's definitely not my typical "ARGH!" first-day-of-the-week feeling. Let me just say that I am so freaking happy right now, right at this moment in my life. I have moments of sheer bliss. I've always accepted and embraced the twinge of loneliness that cropped up in my life around adolescence. That feeling that nobody really understands me, that even those closest to me are still far away. I realized recently, maybe for the first time, that I don't feel that anymore. I live my life in a slightly different, but also overwhelmingly different way. I live for "us". And that has made each and every minute sweeter, fuller, realer. The minutes don't disappear in quite the same way, the weeks don't frustrate me quite as much, and I am aware of concepts such as "the future" and "consequences" and "we" and "our". I can't even feel cheesy writing this because it is so completely how I feel inside. I feel full. How can falling in love make me a better person? I feel like I am becoming the person that I always wished I could be - more caring, more patient, more affectionate, more supportive, more loving. I try harder, and I think more before I speak or act. Because he is so important to me and his happiness is mine. I hope I'm not embarrassed when I read this over later but I really want to capture this feeling. It's so good. I've never felt like this before. We had an amazing weekend together and spent every second smooshed up next to each other. I have never spent so much time with someone so easily and companionably. He is my best friend and I find him ridiculously appealing. We talk about our future a lot, but Sunday night we had this really amazing conversation. We had gotten home late from picking up tons of his stuff from his old place, and we were sitting out on my deck with candles lit and two strong cocktails. We sat in the dark with just the candlelight and the breeze and talked and it was so nice. And then - SURPRISE! - around 10:00 another fireworks show started up and we could see it from my deck! We stood on our chairs and watched our own private fireworks show, sipping our drinks and oohing and aahing. It was really special. After the show we sat face to face, holding hands and talking. We talked about marriage and our kids, how cute they will be. He asked me if I was going to change my name or hyphenate or keep my own, I asked him how many kids he wanted and which he wanted to be blond and which one dark. I told him that he was my best friend and he said I was his. We sat so close, sometimes pressing our foreheads together while we talked, sometimes kissing, sometimes just looking at each other. I can't describe how full I felt then. Bailey was at our feet and Hunter was climbing the roof and we were all together in our own little world. Yes we have our moments where we squabble or one of us is upset. Of course we do. But it's how we resolve those situations that makes me just as happy as the perfect moments. I've never felt so comfortable saying to someone "you just hurt my feelings" or "I'm upset and here's why". ________________________________________ I have a new situation which concerns me a lot. I was hoping for some "me too" stories in return from women I know. I've had three serious mood swings in the past few days. Something will happen, a tiny trigger, and I am suddenly plunged into this well of sadness where the urge to cry is nearly overwhelming. I have figured out that it is because I went back on birth control pills about three weeks ago. It is too dramatic and unusual for it to be normal mood swings. The first time it happened was Friday afternoon and I found myself curled up in Professor K's arms on the couch crying, him having to tell me things I know, boosting my confidence which had suddenly disappeared. It was the strangest thing. Once I recovered it was like SNAP! Back to myself. I asked him "have I ever been like this before?" and he said "NO". He and I hate it, it is so sudden and so overwhelming. The feeling doesn't last too long - it happened again Sunday night and then Monday morning - kind of a carry-over from the night before. Each time it is triggered by something small and stupid that he does, it results in tears on my part, and the only thing that makes me feel better is when he holds me really tight. On Monday after I recovered I told him that I wanted to stop taking the pill because it was getting ridiculous and I hated the way I felt when it happened. He said he was fine with that. I haven't stopped taking it yet - I haven't had another "spell" yet - but I wonder if this happens to other women? I've been on the pill before and it has never affected me like this. I hate it, I feel like I'm a different person entirely. It's frustrating too because even though I know it's not real emotion I can't do anything but give in to it. ________________________________________ It's almost time to go home now. I can't wait to get out of here. I love that it's a short week. And tomorrow I have a presentation and I get to wear my new pinstripe blazer. I will look Benefits-fabulous. Yay for pinstripe blazers! 3:58 p.m. - 2004-07-06 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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