Long Story Short ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Texan rears his ugly head Geez, am I such a terrible person? I e-mailed J yesterday to tell him I had to cancel my trip to Texas. For starters, I am SO BROKE. Despite the raise I got over a month ago, I am still just barely squeaking by because of that trip to Oregon in March. I spent SO much money when I was out there it was ridiculous. And the bills keep rolling in.... But also, since his girlfriend dumped him I had a bad feeling that he was thinking I was the replacement girl. I can't go down there with him thinking I want to get back together. In addition, at the most basic level, he lives in freaking Texas! I am not doing long distance again, and I doubt there are a lot of jobs in my field on the beach in Texas. And finally, most significantly, Professor K! I don't want to go visit my ex boyfriend only a month after I started a relationship with a new, wonderful guy. Trust issues aside, I wouldn't want to spend that much time away from him. And once I get down there it's all about drinking, smoking, and reconnecting - that just seems like a recipe for me to fuck up. And I have NO DESIRE to fuck up. So here's the response e-mail J sent me this morning: "Well, what can I say . . .you broke my heart again. I don't know if you knew how much it meant to me to see you again. I am happy for you but it's hard, I'm just so lonely. I'm tired and drunk, and i don't want this email to be negative. I was just so looking forward to seeing you again. You have always been so special to me." Ugh. I'm such a moron. I know why I reconnected with J - in case it's not completely transparent to the rest of you. After the ex and I broke up, I freaked and reached out for the security of another old relationship, one with someone that I know falls easily back in love with me. It was safe and made me feel good to have him tell me all those lovely things. And the visit to TX would have been fun and relaxing for me, but probably would have meant having to extricate myself from a pseudo-relationship with him once I left. Wow, that would have been a blast. And a total mind fuck for J. So, I'll admit that i'm heartless and move on.10:16 a.m. - 2004-03-30 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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