Long Story Short

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life and death

Life is so funny. One minute you're up up up, the next you're down.

This weekend was amazing. In a I-can't-write-about-it kind of way. I'm still processing all the yummy details, rolling them around in my head, smiling and giggling and shivering with glee. I have no idea what I did to deserve all the goodness that is in my life right now.

Professor K and I are officially together now. He used the "g" word on Saturday morning, and I was so happy. We established our "not dating other people" situation, and spent every second from Friday after work until Sunday morning no further than a foot apart from each other. We did very domestic things together - errands, cooking, cleaning, walking the dog. And it felt like the best weekend of my life. I hate to say it, but could this be love?

Sunday I went road trippin' with the funnest girl... no need for detail here either. It's all a big smiley face in my head - sipping coffee, seeing new places, laughing, smiling, eating ice cream. Sunday should always be so exceptionally relaxing and fun.

I got home late-ish, around 8 if memory serves. Took out the crazed doggie and checked the messages. My mom had called and left me a message: bad news in the family. My aunt's baby sister had killed herself over the weekend.

The spectrum of emotion you can feel in life is pretty extensive and all weekend I'd been way far over to the "Joy" side. Having the pendulum swing back the other way so fast and so dramatically was very dizzying. I have never wanted so badly to talk to someone, to have another body in my apartment with me.

I did speak to my parents briefly and get the general details of her death. But my mother is not good with these situations, and I couldn't really talk to her. I called my uncle's house and left a very tearful message, telling them I was thinking about them, loving them, hoping they were okay. I promised I would attend the wake on Tuesday night. Even off the phone I couldn't stop crying when I would think of my aunt. She is so amazingly sensitive and loving, the thought of her having to suffer through the death of her baby sister just killed me inside.

My aunt is the eldest girl in a family with eight kids. She was twelve when her baby sister was born, and one of the reasons she decided not to have children as an adult is because she helped raise most of her younger siblings. She is close to her siblings like a mother is to her children.

I called Professor K after I left my message because I felt so lonely, and deep down I was hoping he would rush right over and hold me. When we first started talking I was all quiet and crying and so sad, and then he told me that his bird had died that day too. Sad.

He was great. He offered to come over, but I'm a very reasonable girl and I knew he had a licensing test at 10am Monday morning so I told him not to come. And he knew that if I really needed him I would have said. My panic subsided just hearing his voice, I knew it would be an overreaction to make him come see me.

Somehow, I have no idea what he did, he got me talking, smiling, and ultimately laughing again. We talked for about 45 minutes and by the time we hung up I was grinning, giddy, glowing again. In a totally different place. Feeling so happy, so good. He said he would call me back after he studied some more and I said okay.

I had a glass of wine and sat on my floor, playing CD's - Van Morrison, Dave Matthews, more Van Morrision - thinking about life. Here I was on the biggest high, loving life and everyone in it, and someone had ended her life because she couldn't bear to be alive anymore. How do you balance those two things?

My uncle called me around 10:15. He sounded so tired and so sad. His wife was staying at her mother's house, he was returning home alone to get ready for work the next day. We talked for a long time, but his cell phone kept coming in and out.

He told me the details of the situation, I only had sketchy ones at that point. Then he told me that he was saving one of his two guestrooms for me, so that I could stay over and go to both the wake and the funeral. He offered to arrange transportation for me to all the events. I immediately knew in my heart that I couldn't say no - I had to go down there and stay with him, be there for him because he had to be there for his wife and couldn't think of himself now. And my uncle is amazing, this past summer he was there for me in a way that I can't explain, but it's my turn to repay the familial support.

The fact that he reserved a room in his house specifically for me is so touching. And I had to say to him that I loved him, that I knew how hard this was going to be for him, and that if there was anything I could do besides being there physically I would do it. He responded, choked up, "don't ever die, carly, not in my lifetime"

We got off the phone and I returned to my position on the floor, sipping wine and listening to music. Thinking. So hard. One minute my head was down, I was crying, thinking about the pain that had just come into my loved-ones lives. And the next I was up, smiling, thinking about Professor K and the perfection that is our relationship. So confusing.

Professor K called back and we talked some more. He is so amazing, it blows me away every time. When we're not talking and he's not with me, I think that I must be imagining the feeling - no one could possibly be that great, make me feel that good. But as soon as I hear his voice or touch his arm, or see his face, I just fall into this world of warmth and love that is all new and so amazing.

I don't know what else to say, really. I'm still doing the up and down thing, but both are less dramatic. I'm looking forward to driving down on Tuesday and seeing my family. I want so badly to give my aunt a big hug, look into her eyes, tell her without words that I love her. She is such a wonderful person, I hope this doesn't change her. And my uncle, such a rock. And in the back of my mind I know I'll have Professor K on the brain, wishing he could be there.

1:42 p.m. - 2004-03-29

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