Long Story Short ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thursday morning at work I like to think that astrology makes sense. I know people think it's a crock of hooey, and that the majority of people who pay any attention to it are new age, crystal-wielding women. But I'm a gemini and I like to think this explains my drastic shifts in plans and desires.
I only open like this because I was just in the bathroom at work, contemplating how contradictory my feelings can be. God, okay, I'm really tired and this is totally not going the way I want it to so I'll just lay out detail: You know how you get that creeping feeling in the back of your neck, like if you don't do something really bad really soon you're going to turn 95 and need a cane? Well, I got that feeling to go away for a bit. Don't get me wrong, being a "responsible" adult is fun and rewarding, it just gets old occasionally. And it's so "pat myself on the back for going to bed at 10pm so I could be rested for work." Uck. Anyway, today I got an e-mail from J, the Texan, who I am going to visit in about a month. And he's telling me how he's been sort of dating this girl Lela, but he doesn't feel serious about her and he's not sure he can get serious because he's always thinking about me and comparing me to her. And it's totally my fault - this kid fell really hard for me a long time ago, and whenever I contact him again I'm taking the risk that he will do it again. And if he were to end a potential relationship with a woman because of the suggestion that we might get back together when I come to visit.... that's just too much for me. But you know what? I actually fantasize about going down there, being all happy and warm and safe with him, getting engaged, getting married, living in Texas comfortably off his family's money.....having babies, not working, just being simple and wholesome. I really want that! Some part of my being thinks how great it would be to have that kind of security, of someone that loves me completely and wants to have children with me. And he smokes pot now, and does some other stuff too that he never used to do. I jokingly asked my father recently what he would think if I moved to Texas and the look on his face was enough. But I miss the south, I miss how lazy and random it is. I don't want to move back, not yet, but sometimes I look at the harsh gray of the trees against the cloudy sky, the dirty snow on the road the week before spring, and I just want to freak out. FREAK. OUT. Why do these things have to be so confusing? I am not a totally irrational human being - I know that I am neither of these people fully. I am neither a cokehead slut with no morals, nor a southern wife and mother. I am Carly, the fairly level-headed girl/woman with a lot of different ideas about what my future might hold. I just wish I could narrow down SOMETHING. Do I want to be with a man or a woman? Do I want to be single or in a relationship? Do I want to stay in new england or move around some more? You know that line from the Dave Matthews Band song Dancing Nancies: "could i have been a parking lot attendant, could i have been a millionare in Belair..." there's this line "twenty-three, I'm so tired of life...such a shame to throw it all away...." It's the weirdest line! I mean, who's tired of life at 23? But at the same time, I kind of get the idea of having finished up your "youth" years and getting deeper into the adult ones. And wondering what kind of hole you're digging for yourself that you're going to regret later. Everyone does it, I just don't think you always recognize the mistakes as you make them. And something else - sometimes, when I'm just sitting or doing dishes or any random other task, sometimes I can smell cocaine like it's an inch from my face. I'm so out of it this morning. I can tell this is going to be one of those extremely long days where I'm just all think-y. I might be hormonal, that could explain something. I always think I'm all interesting when I'm hormonal. then I'm not anymore and it's like "oh yeah, shut the hell up and just live your life dumbass". Angst Angst Angst 9:56 a.m. - 2004-03-18 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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