Long Story Short ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scary Pizza Man One time I had my mailbox deliberately ripped off of my house. Not the house I currently live in but the one in New Orleans my last year at Tulane. It started innocently enough with some evening smoking and a call to Pizza Hut. It was a Sunday night, I remember that, and Pizza Hut always took at least an hour to deliver a pizza. It tasted the best of all the pizza options but was the most frustrating wait. After waiting what seemed like hours to get our damn pizza the pizza dude rings the bell, we run down from the second floor clutching $20 and gleefully fling open the door. And the pizza doesn't have change for a $20, even though the pizza must have cost at least $12. We sure as hell weren't giving him an $8 or so tip, it was college and we needed all the money we could get to fuel our binge drinking and drug abuse problems. So he acted like an insane mental patient, as the fine citizens of New Orleans love to do, and scared the shit out of us in his attempt to convey how "pissed" he was that he would now have to drive all the way back to Pizza Hut to get change. He left the pizza with us. We locked the door, ran back upstairs, and began devouring the pizza. YUM YUM YUM! And swigging cocktails and watching TV and generally living it up as early 20's college gals are wont to do. A long time later our buzzer buzzed again. But it was late, it was Sunday, we were fucked up, and we had already eaten the pizza and still had our $20. We decided not to answer the door. Angry pizza guy must have stayed out there for fifteen minutes ringing the doorbell over and over and over. We were laughing about it but a little scared too. We eventually got a phone call from the manager of Pizza Hut asking us why we had stolen a pizza. We explained that pizza guy made us nervous and was very rude and we were two poor single gals alone in a scary city *pause for stabilizing gulp of Jack Daniels* and it was so late we felt it would be a bad decision to open the door to a stranger so late at night. It was fun laying it on so thick and the manager was sweet as pie, telling us to just pay the guy exactly what the pizza cost, no tip. She assured us that if anything were to happen to us she would see to it that the authorities were involved and he would be dealt with. Okay! Thank you, ma'am! The guy came all the way back to our house and was, shockingly, visibly enraged by our treatment of him. He took the money, gave us change, and stalked back to his rusted out jalopy. He tore off into the night and we giggled, locked the door, ran back up to our apartment, and forgot about the pizza incident. Until the next morning. We went outside to go do something - lets say volunteer at a soup kitchen - and our mailbox was missing. It has been ripped completely off the house. It had been there the night before... It took us about zero seconds to conclude that scary pizza guy had held a grudge. It was actually kind of disturbing to realize that the guy hated us and obviously he knew where we lived. It's amazing how dumb you can act when you're young and fucked up. We discussed calling Pizza Hut and reporting the stolen mailbox to our friend the manager. But once we thought about it we figured that would only add fuel to the fire and he might break in with his thugs and seriously make us sorry for trying to steal a pizza from him. We had a new mailbox put on our house within days and kind of forgot about the whole thing. Except for when we'd get stoned and one us would turn to the other and say "remember when that scary pizza guy stole our mailbox?" and that would send us into hysterics. One more ridiculous story to add to the pile. 4:17 p.m. - 2004-07-27 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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