Long Story Short ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I SHOULD have said I've Seen Your PENIS! I just thought of the best birthday gift for my mother! I can't tell what it is - not that she reads this, and not that she even has her computer set up at my folks fantabulous new house - but just in case. It's good though, and I never think of good gifts for her. I always cop and out and get her a bottle of hooch or something equally picked-up-on-the-way-to-her-house. I suck at gift giving. So yeah, I guess I got all exciteypants about blogging and then effed it all up by, you know, not blogging. But I have tried to write entries and they all end up sucking. I was trying to casually transition from Hee! I�m all Burroken UP! to Woo! I�m Not Bitter atTALL! But like, I�m totally bitter, so that didn�t work out. Instead I will tell you about my across-the-street neighbor, who has been featured before in this lovely diary. ATS Neighbor has not really showed up on my radar screen since the infamous penis-and-balls night. I still occasionally notice him puttering around in his yard with his old lady girlfriend, but last Sunday night he reappeared as blog-worthy with a surprising bang. Sunday night was like a Saturday night for me since I had Monday off, and I invited a similarly-unencumbered friend over to share a bottle of chilled white wine (AKA glug down a bottle of tequila). It was hot, as it often in is June, so we sat out on my deck to chat and drink. There were only two of us, so I can�t imagine we were screaming over each other to be heard, and yet somehow we managed to fall under ATS Neigbor�s watchful eye. He came over after dark, flashlight a-bobbin� (for Christ sake, he had a flashlight. We were not camping, I live on a well-lit street in a fairly urban town), to inform us rather gruffly that he had a pregnant lady across the street and could we keep it down? I was surprised that he kind of barked his request at us, seeing as it was only a little after 9 p.m. and also that in the almost three years that I�ve lived there he has never had to speak to me about noise issues before, but I still made sure that my response was immediate, apologetic, and sincere. Something along the lines of, �Oh I�m so sorry, of course we�ll quiet down!� I hate confrontation, and I hate awkward neighbor fights, so there didn�t seem to be a better way to diffuse his obvious anger than to be really nice. He walked back across the street without much of a response and then I started thinking�Who the hell is the pregnant lady? It certainly couldn�t be his old lady girlfriend�could it? And then I started whispering to my friend about the old lady girlfriend, and telling her about his previous naked escapades, and we both started giggling quietly. Immediately after that his car alarm went off, rather suddenly but for what seemed like a very long time. That set us off giggling a bit louder, but come on, it was funny � and ironic, since he was so pissed at us for talking and then he let his car alarm blast the whole neighborhood for several minutes. And as he walked back outside to shut off the alarm he said, clear as day and in a nasty adolescent chick voice, �I bet you think that�s funny�. Well, it was on at that point, so I had to fire back, �I didn�t realize we weren�t allowed to laugh�, which I guess he didn�t hear clearly enough so I had to repeat myself. Unfortunately he didn�t respond so I did not get the much-hoped-for ATS Neighbor bitch fight that I was eagerly anticipating. That was the end of the confrontation, in fact, and it was such a disappointment. What better way to ring in the summer than with a totally immature comeback war with your neighbor? All hope is not lost, though, because I�m having a couple of people over tomorrow night for more tequila and more deck sittin�, and it is my desperate hope that by working together we�ll be able to end up on an episode of COPS.
3:37 p.m. - 2007-06-28 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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