Long Story Short

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Baby Steps

15 years ago I...

1. Was 12 years old.
2. Had just finished up the sixth grade.
3. Hated school for the first time in my effin LIFE, due mostly to the fact that I nearly failed math after years with a spotless all-A�s record, but also because I went to a school where the majority of the students were retarded assholes. MEAN retarded assholes.
4. Still could not believe I lived in Maryfuckingland after spending my first ten & change years in Connecticut.
5. Had a best friend who lived next door and was basically connected to my hip when we weren�t at school. She went to a freakish parochial school, I went to a freakish (and scary! See above �mean retarded assholes� comment) public school.

10 years ago I...
1. Was 17 years old.
2. Had just finished up my junior year of high school � probably the best, most fun year of my life up to that point.
3. Spent my weekends da-runk with my best friends Liz, Rachel, and Kristen.
4. Frequently found myself peeing in random fields and parks all around Baltimore. Including the infamous Robert E. Lee park (I KNOW!) where many, many beery rivers of urine flowed in 1997.
5. Had started visiting colleges in the south, being fully determined to spend my four years of undergrad in a place where the sun shone year round and people said �y�all� and meant it.

5 years ago I...
1. Was 22 years old.
2. Had just graduated from college and was one day shy (seriously, I left on June 9th) of my drive from New Orleans to Boston with my dad, a puppy, and a big honking van full of all my shit.
3. Had just ended a ridiculously dramatic lesbian romance and thought I would never speak to her ever again. [Editor�s note: HAMOTHERFUCKINGHA!]
4. Had no job lined up and was planning to move in with my parents for a while. (!!!) Oh and p.s. I had never had a full-time job at that point.
5. Couldn�t wait to see snow again after four years of sun sun sun and humidity from hell. (Incidentally I think that was the last time my skin was anything other than frog belly white.)

2 years ago I...
1. Was 25 years old.
2. Was living with my then-boyfriend and fantasizing about getting engaged.
3. Had a shitty, dead-end job that didn�t pay very well and didn�t require a bachelor�s degree.
4. Was starting to truly consider myself a Masshole, and realizing that I�d probably be in New England for the rest of my life.
5. Had no driver�s license yet drove nearly every day, living in fear of the inevitable pull-over and trip to the slammer.

1 year ago I...
1. Was 26 years old.
2. Was living with my then-boyfriend and fantasizing about getting engaged. (ugh)
3. Had a shitty, dead-end job that didn�t pay very well and didn�t require a bachelor�s degree. (ugh again)
4. Was eagerly awaiting the arrival of little Olivia, the soon-to-be daughter of my wonderful Masshole friend Melissa (hee!), also my first friend to have a baby.
5. Had no driver�s license yet drove nearly every day, living in fear of the inevitable pull-over and trip to the slammer. (jesus christ)

Yesterday I...
1. Was 27 years old.
2. Woke up in my bed that I now share with just my dog and my pile of shit that somehow always ends up on now-empty side of the bed. (Not, like, literally SHIT but books �n stuff. How funny would it be if I actually slept with a giant pile of shit?)
3. Came to work at my new, non-dead-end job that DOES require a bachelor�s degree.
4. Had dinner with my mother at my parents� slowly-emptying Bedford house and looked at pictures of their brand new Plymouth house.
5. Gazed at pictures of my beautiful three-week-old niece, Madeleine, and thought about the upcoming Fourth of July holiday when I will get to see her again!

Today I...
1. Am in my office (OFFICE OFFICE OFFICE! With a window!) working and feeling happy that it�s Friday.
2. Have eaten half a sleeve of Saltines.
3. Have realized that I�ve been in my new job long enough to be irritated by my coworkers. (Who are we kidding? I was irritated after a week or two. Basically once I learn someone�s name they begin to irritate me.)
4. Am looking forward to a fun, random night out tomorrow involving both coworkers and friends and the most bizarre Holy Crap It�s a Small World situation ever.
5. Have to figure out how I�m going to do laundry this weekend without a) going to my parent�s house AGAIN or b)washing clothes in my sink. (Yeah, I kinda lost the washer and dryer in what I like to call �The Divorce�. Suck. Especially since I was the only one that ever used them. (Hee! Okay fine, that will be my only ex-burn of this entry).)

Tomorrow I will...
1. Sleep late! I hope. Late being like 8:00. Silly doggie thinks she should get a walk ANYway, even though it�s Saturday.
2. Read a ton more of the book I�m working on, which is v. v. good.
3. Buy a birthday card for my brother, who is turning 30 on the 13th. (I already got and shipped his present but the card is a necessity � especially if it�s horribly cheesy and has a giant 30 on it and possibly plays music.)
4. Go on a road trip to effin Peabody (pronounced, inexplicably, Pee-buh-dee, and not PEE-body. GRRR. Five years I�ve lived in this state and I STILL can�t get over that.)
5. Have a fun and potentially hilarious night involving copious booze and stories of transsexuals.

Five Items I have Brand Loyalty To
1. Burt�s Bees (Their lip balm is the bomb!)
2. Kikkoman Soy Sauce
3. Orbitz gum (It�s the chewiest. Orange Mint is my favorite � I can chew a whole pack in one day at work.)
4. Shit, this list is making me realize I�m not very loyal to brands. I was gonna try to put a beer down but I�m totally fickle when it comes to beer. As long as it�s light and not Bud Light I�m good.
5. OH! US Weekly fo� sho�. No only celebrity rag gives me as much pleasure. I thought OK was gonna work � bigger pictures! � but it just hasn�t worked out between us.

Five Snacks I Enjoy
1. Saltines
2. Pineapple chunks
3. Tomatoes and mozzarella with olive oil (I know this not really a snack but I eat it ALL the freaking TIME)
4. Guacamole! So much so that on my birthday a few weeks ago my lovely friend brought me not one but TWO packages of the yummy Trader Joe�s kind. And sadly? After my friends left? I ate almost all of it by myself. Also they do not know this as I never told them so hee!
5. Bing cherries (LOVE bing cherries and pine for cherry season every year � which is now!)

Five Songs I Know The Words To Even Without The Lyrics
1. Get it Together, Beastie Boys
2. Into the Mystic, Van Morrison
3. Nothing But Flowers, Talking Heads
4. If I had a Million Dollars, Bare Naked Ladies
5. Shoop, Salt & Pepa (But seriously, what self-respecting woman does NOT know all the words to this song? I practically base my friendships on this � well, that and the ability of friends to supply me with guacamole.)

Five Games I Like
1. Scattegories
2. Old school Super Mario Brothers.
3. Tetris
4. Never Have I Ever (ha! An old favorite � I haven�t played it in a million years and something tells me I should probably never play it again. I�m older and so much filthier now.)
5. Hmm. I�m actually not a big fan of games, now that I think about it. I have logged umpteen hours of solitaire, but mostly from boredom at my old job.

Five Albums That Changed My Life
1. Secret World, Peter Gabriel
2. Downward Spiral, Nine Inch Nails
3. Some Devil, Dave Matthews
4. Living in Clip, Ani Difranco (God, Letter to a John still slays me.)
5. Da Real World, Missy Elliot

Five Things I Can't Live Without
1. My family. Nuf said.
2. My friends. One of the most wonderful parts about getting older is being wise enough to pick friends that are not only hilarious and lots of fun, but who are also loyal, helpful, and always do and say the right things.
3. Bailey the wonder mutt. She makes me crazy at times and I am far too tuned in to her every emotion, but she is hands down the best �bad� decision I ever made.
4. The internet. Perez Hilton has to tell me what Paris and Britney are up to every.single.day or I get the shakes.
5. Booze. I know, I�m an alkie. Suck it.

Five Things I would do with one thousand dollars
1. Save it so I can hire a moving company when I relocate this year.
2. Pay off some credit card debt.
3. Take my parents out to dinner and get them hammered.
4. Buy a laptop and start paying for internet at home.
5. Buy a bunch of useless crap and wonder where the money went. (This is the most likely scenario).

Top Five Guilty Pleasures
1. Perez Hilton, US Weekly, any celebrity gossip source at all.
2. Murder, She Wrote.
3. Porn.
4. Tequila shots.
5. I dunno. I don't feel guilty about most of my pleasures.

Top Five Locations I�d Like To Run Away To
1. New York � specifically to see my tiny little angelic niece. (In 13 years I will be running AWAY from that direction but for now she�s irresistible!)
2. Somewhere warm and sunny with cocktails that have umbrellas.
3. Ireland might be nice.
4. Italy.
5. Australia

Five Things I�d Never Wear
1. Really high heels. I�m tall enough, thank you very much.
2. A thong. I know, I�m 85 years old, but I HATE them. I used to wear them exclusively until I saw something on TV about how bad they are for you and how unhygienic they are, plus HELLO IT GOES IN YOUR BUTT so yeah, not so much.
3. A doo-rag. Do I need to qualify that?
4. Shoulder pads. How funny are those stupid things? My mother continued to wear shoulder pads well into the 90�s and had to have them forcibly removed from her wardrobe. Why do women feel the need to bulk up their shoulders? Clearly they should just go in your bra.
5. Leather pants. They seem so�hurty.

Five People Who Are Currently On My Bad Side
1. Me. Why can I not go to bed early enough to get a decent night�s sleep? Damn you Me!
2. The idiot who invented MySpace. Thanks a lot Tom! (Or, whoever)
3. Madeleine, for not calling enough. (Hee!)
4. My belly, for being so eager to display itself and not be touching my spine like it should be. Bad belly!
5. Um. I dunno. I guess I�m kinda free and clear of mofos right now.

Five Bad Habits I Have Are...
1. Boozing.
2. Never getting any exercise and eating junk.
3. Not getting enough sleep.
4. I am lazy and I procrastinate.
5. Fine, I pick my nose when I drive. Deal with it.

Five TV shows I like
1. Murder, She Wrote
2. The Girls Next Door
3. Oh my god The Hills! This should be number one but I�m too lazy to cut and paste. (See bad habits above)
4. Sex and the City, always and forever. When I was in the thick of the emotional Divorce fallout I watched all six seasons all the way through.
5. The Kathy Griffin �My Life On The D List� show. Good stuff! Even though she�s annoying.

1:44 p.m. - 2007-06-08

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