Long Story Short ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Update Update on Exypants? Yes, I think so. Recap: Last Monday I emailed her with a series of nosey questions about her life over the past two years. I didn't hear anything back. Then that Friday was her birthday. I emailed her first thing in the morning, all "Woo! Happy Birthday!" Cause I like to write "woo". You maybe have noticed? I sent her another email a little while later, a "letter" of sorts. Through another blogger who I read regularly (and LOVE!) I had started a private blog of letters that I have written to her over the past two years. I knew she'd never read them, they were just how I dealt with the two year span between then and now. I didn't want to write too much publicly, and I felt kind of ashamed of all the emotion that remained. And so every time I had a particularly resonant dream about her, or thought about her, or missed her, I would write her a letter. It was actually really helpful and got a lot of the feelings out. So anyway, Friday I sent her one of these letters, written September 19th 2005. Here it is: �Saturday night was really weird. Driving home from my parents' house I was thinking about you and missing you. I started thinking about all the fun, funny times that we had. And I realized that I've focused so much on the details of our pseudo-relationship, rather than on our very real friendship. I think everything between you and I could have been bliss if we had cut our losses in the romance department and just kept on being best friends. Perhaps we would have trusted each other more, and we could have dated other people and had satisfying sex lives and not felt so trapped by our living situation. We moved in together as friends and as lovers, but we never would have moved so fast in the relationship if our friendship hadn't been so strong. I miss your friendship. I miss laughing about old times that only we remember. I miss laughing at our old inside jokes, so many are probably lost now after all this time. I realize that you and I knew how to have fun even in situations where there wasn't much fun to be had. I learned so much from my experience with you and that knowledge has made me a better person in my life now. I can roll with the punches and communicate in a way that I was never capable of a few years ago. If there's one thing I'd like to do it's apologize for never being honest with you. And also for shutting you out when you may have needed me. If I had known you were going through a tough time I would have been there for you, I just needed you to tell me what was going on. I wish I could talk to you again and have you back in my life. I'm worried about you. I miss my best friend. And you know what? It's been over a year since we've spoken on the phone and I still think about you constantly. I haven't gotten over you yet. I'm still so entirely not over you that it's sad. Not that I want you back as a girlfriend but I haven't shaken the need for our friendship. There is no one who fills that void. I do miss you and I should have told you that when I had the chance. I was afraid to give you any power over me, or to admit that you could have any power over me. Saturday night I sat in the office and I thought about you and I wished that at that moment you would call. I have flushed my past down the toilet and now I realize that I needed it to still be who I am. I may not relish every detail of that time but it's better to have it than to have nothing. I hope you call me soon so we can talk, finally, after all this time. I would be very nice, I promise. And honest.� I know, it might sound very...sappy, or emotional, or any number of things. But I was trying to reach out to her, to remind her of a bond that we used to have that was unshakeable. I remember being so close to her that I would be shocked when I looked in the mirror, because somehow I expected to see someone that looked like her. That closeness is gone, forever, but it was there once and I know it meant a lot to both of us. She responded almost immediately, and very happily. She first responded to my email with the letter, saying how honest and sweet it was, and that she was very glad to know that she had my friendship back. Then she sent me a very long email answering all the questions I had asked. It was almost as if, now that I had exposed a bit of vulnerability, she felt comfortable as well. We emailed back and forth during work hours, and it felt fun and much more relaxed than our previous interactions. One of the questions we dwelled on a bit in our last few exchanges was 'Why did we stop speaking to each other?' And she told me her reasons, which involved needing to grow up a lot, needing space from someone who knew who her so well. In my last email to her I told her my reasons. Here is what I wrote to her: "Anyway, I get what you're saying about needing time to grow up, and how I couldn't really be a part of that. I think I had similar motivation in letting us lose contact. It is hard to grow and change when you're very close to someone who knows an older version of yourself, especially when that older version had some bad behaviors. Also, when I met Professor K I knew right away, like on our second date, that we were going to be together forever. Crazy, but I was totally certain. And I knew that I couldn't be as close to you as I was and also grow a really strong relationship with him. He never said anything about it, it was just a decision that I had to make for myself. I think that it sounds like we both, you and I, realized that we needed to grow up, and that we could only do that by really being on our own." When Professor K got home that night I told him, in detail, about our exchanges. I told him he could read the emails if he wanted, which he declined. He has gotten SO much more comfortable with the thought of her in my life, through my honesty with him and his honesty with me about his feelings. Since that last email on Friday I haven't heard anything back. I'm surprised, because I thought we were kind of on a role. In fact, I was half expecting her to call me over the weekend. Now I'm thinking that maybe I turned her off with those words about my love for Professor K, how I chose him over her. I don't want to believe that, it seems so silly after so long, but it also seems odd that she hasn't responded at all. I talked to the Professor about it last night and he agreed, as I expected him to. He said, "I am who she used to be". So I don't know. That's just the latest. Friday night I felt really great, like I had been honest and open and reestablished a much-missed friendship. Now I don't know what to think, but I'm glad I said the things that I did to her. 4:12 p.m. - 2006-05-17 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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