Long Story Short ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Social Anxiety I'm experiencing social anxiety and I wish I wasn't. A friend of mine here at work is leaving and his last day is Friday. When I heard he was leaving I got all "Oh no!" and insisted that if a going away party was planned that I would be there. With a hat on. Plans were finalized for a happy hour type thing and it took place last night at 5:30 in a restaurant near where I live. Like right on my way home from work, I would have even got there early. Had I gone. I was asked yesterday morning if I would be going and I responded, "yes". I felt too guilty to be honest and say that I didn't want to. And then 5:00 came and I got on the highway going the opposite direction and ended up at the mall, trying on clothes for my trip. I ended up buying a few things which made me feel productive. But now I'm sitting at my desk feeling guilty and anxious. No one has asked me where I was but I keep running potential excuses through my head. I feel terrible because rather than showing up for half an hour and saying goodbye to my friend I totally flaked, as I often do. You know what my main reason for not wanting to go was? Money. I have NONE. No cash. And even though I knew I wouldn't eat or drink while I was with the group of coworkers I knew I'd still be obligated to throw in at least ten bucks for the table. Which I don't have. And so I'm feeling all guilty and anxious but also defensive. Does that make me crazy? Why do I even CARE? These are people that I never hang out with EVER, we barely even speak when we're at work. BUT! I weighed myself this morning and I'm down another pound and a half from two Fridays ago. Which, WOOHOO! The last two days I've received multiple comments about what I guess is now my obvious weight loss. And when I was showering this morning I could feel how much more prominent the bones are in my shoulders and collarbone. In another three pounds I'll be down into another ten-pound slot on the scale. One I have not seen since early 2004. This is EXCITING! I have an entire closet full of clothes that I can't wear, but soon I will be able to wear them again. I feel happier, more confident, and sexier. I feel eyes on me again when I walk through the cafeteria. So...despite the social anxiety, I'm grooving on my continued success with the fat loss thing. I just wish I could not care about the flaking thing. Why do I care again? Oh, and by the way, the weight loss is purely a result of a no-carb, no-sugar diet. I eat protein and vegetables and I drink only water and coffee. I have not exercised at all this whole time, except to walk the dog. I've turned down more desserts than I care to think about. I've suffered through the chocolate chip cookie bin that sat on our coffee table for over a week. Frankly, I have exercised will power and self-control. I'm not sure why it's working this time when it didn't work before. Maybe I want it more this time, or I just got tired of feeling ugly and ridiculous. Maybe I've got future engagement and wedding plans in the back of my mind. Maybe I realize that I'm creeping towards 30 and it's only going to get harder and harder to get the weight off. I don't know, I just know that for some reason this time I can't give up. I want to be thin more than I want to eat cookies.
10:01 a.m. - 2006-03-02 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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