Long Story Short

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Gold Membership

I finally updated to a Gold Membership. I wanted to be able to upload pictures but Saturday I got cold feet and deleted the one picture that I did post. I'm not sure why, it was just a picture of Bailey.

The new ability to be Googled is also strange. I check my stats and people are sent to my diary for the randomest reasons. I guess all you Golds and SuperGolds already knew this. Still, it's a little freaky to think that someone I know could type in a random phrase (Tylenol nightmares?) that happens to appear in my diary and then they would access my ramblings. I'll get used to it.

I had the greatest, bestest, funnest, sexiest weekend ever! I'm so thrilled too because ever since Christmas I've been feeling disconnected from Professor K. Nearly every work night is spent in separate rooms doing different activities with little or no conversation. It hasn't been tense or angry, it's just been distant. Like that post-holiday blues disease caught us up and made us quiet and selfish with our time.

But this weekend fixed the whole non-issue. Friday I came home in a semi-sad, semi-bad mood. I was blaming him for being depressing on the phone. It's so easy to blame someone else, right? And he came home and I was quiet and I lay down on the bed to just rest and cry a tiny bit about the non-issue that had plagued our relationship for two weeks. He came in the room and lay down behind me on the bed, spooning me, and just kissed the back of my neck. It was perfect - just his warmth and his love made all my angst-ridden sadness go away. We lay on the bed and cuddled and talked and played with Bailey. I have since decided that every day after work there should be a mandatory ten-minute cuddle session. Just to reconnect after a long day of responsibilities and minor irritations.

We went out to dinner after that, calling it a date. We talked and talked, something we haven't done in a long time. We had a conversation about old relationships and old loves. He asked me for the first time how my relationship with my ex got started and I felt flattered that he asked. We talked about his ex, the one that he proposed to. It felt really good to go there. I got to say things that I probably should have said out loud before because hearing them diminished their relevance. Like my New Year's Eve problem - the aspect of FUN versus fun - and how with my ex, every big occasion or holiday was FUN but daily life was a struggle. And he immediately picked up on that and asked if it bothered me that he wasn't crazy and risk-taking like her. I could honestly say "no". That part of my life was an unsatisfying one for the most part. I only elevate it now because I am living an almost polar opposite lifestyle. And blaming him for my own decisions is hardly a healthy way to be, nor is it fair.

Saturday was a great time. It was a yucky snow day that turned into hail and rain but we decided to brave it and go downtown to see a movie. We took the T which freed us up and allowed us to people watch. It felt like another date. We went to his office first so I could see where he works, then to the movie. We saw Sp@nglish and both really enjoyed it. It was kind of romantic and Professor K and I held hands for the entire movie, and kissed when it was over, illiciting giggles from the teenagers sitting behind us.

We decided to have dinner downtown as well and he took me to a really yummy restaurant and wine bar. We didn't end up drinking but we had amazing food and the atmosphere was nice.

At home we opened a bottle of wine and watched a movie. Then to bed for some much-needed sex. That was one of the other things that had been bothering me - we haven't been having a lot of sex lately. I've been feeling blubbery and self-conscious about my weight, work has been ugh for both of us, and I have to blame post-holiday blues again. It had only been about a week but that is not usual for us. We had been in such need for it that we both came in record time and went to sleep.

Sunday was just a wonderful day. He played video games in the morning while I read on the couch. We eventually started watching TV together but that quickly turned into a trip back to the bedroom.

After a cozy shower we ventured out to buy steaks for dinner and some wine. The food was amazing and the wine tasted good and got us both a bit tipsy. And so again we took a trip to the bedroom.

Then back out to watch the much-anticipated season premiers of 24, the Surreal Life, Strange Love, and Celebrity Fit Club. Unfortunately for some reason we missed almost every word spoken in all of those shows because we couldn't stop having sex. I think in total we managed four times with culminations, number five was just for fun and ended because neither one of us could come anymore. This morning I could barely walk when I woke up my legs were so sore.

While we were on the couch drinking wine, after the second bottle I believe, Professor K drunkenly brought up engagement. He confessed that he has started saving money in a separate account for my engagement ring. Being drunk myself I immediately teared up a bit, to his shock. But I felt so touched that he was making a weekly sacrifice for something like that.

He also pressed me for some idea of when I wanted to make it official. I basically told him that everything was great right now, just the way it is, so we should take our time and revisit the issue in a couple of months. No matter when he did it I would say yes, so the main issue is the purchase of the ring.

Speaking of rings my friend Rachael got engaged a few months ago, I believe in November, without a ring. Her fiance wanted to pick something out that was really special but still wanted to propose so they could start planning the wedding. Today she came in after a long vacation and was sporting her brand new yellow sapphire engagement ring. It is so beautiful and so unique.

It made me think that it might be nice to pick out a non-diamond ring, something just as pretty but also cheaper. I looked at some sapphire rings online and found a beautiful one with a large dark blue oval sapphire flanked by two small diamonds. It was utterly gorgeous but also well over $13,000. So I don't know how we're going to work this but I have a feeling it will involve me lowering my expectations and him paying more than he expected.

Okay now I have embarrassed myself by writing an entry about engagement rings. I constantly shock myself with how traditional I have suddenly become when it comes to the idea of marriage. I never thought I would be the type of girl that looked at rings online while at work. I have always pictured myself as alone, being in my mid to late thirties and still not in a comfortable partnership. I don't know why, I just felt that was my future. And maybe it still is - there are plenty of plausible outcomes to my current relationship that could leave me single. But this feeling that I have today, despite a hangover, is worth more than all the diamond rings in the world. Being in love, feeling the passion rekindle after a dull patch, and knowing that regardless of the future we are perfect for each other right this minute.

I'll try to stop being cheesy now. In other news I have lost six pounds! I am slowly creeping down the scale again and my pants fit a little bit better this morning. Of course they're still my fat pants so it doesn't feel much like a victory but it's something.

One of my biggest regrets and losses is that I no longer turn heads. I've reached the just-plump-enough point where men do not watch me as I walk by, they don't stare at my boobs or my ass. And you would think that this is something I would not miss but I feel invisible. I guess you get used to feeling objectified and then miss it when it's gone. I told this to my boss and she said "Amen". She and I are Atkinsing up a storm and losing at about the same rate.

I wonder what I'll get googled for on this entry?

12:33 p.m. - 2005-01-10

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