Long Story Short ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Red Bush (tea) Probably the only entry for the day, seeing as it's 4:29. Anyone want to watch some baseball tonight? Anyone freaking exhausted and stressed and delirious from two extra-inning victories in a row? I keep telling myself that I'm not going to watch but it's impossible not to! Kit Kats help, but only an itty bit. Argh, stupid dreams are plaguing me. And no I won't go into detail but it's all ex related and so very stupid and transparent. I think I'd be thinking about her anyway but not having any closure has been really great and really weird. She's not the type to just not call and I'm happy that she has somehow found the ability to NOT pick up the phone. For once. Because I've hashed it out in my head and I so do not want to have one of those conversations where you're trying to be honest and forgiving. I don't want her tangled up in my life anymore and it's great that we're not talking. I know it's probably unhealthy or something. I don't care. I know what feels good to me. I started writing a letter to her that I never intend to send but it's a way for me to kind of address some of the problems we had. It answers questions that I imagine her asking me. I'm not sure it's helping but at least I have a place to put all of the random conversations that I have with her in my head. The letter has almost zero clarity and just rambles but my goal is to edit it so that it is concise and reads back so that I feel that my thoughts are being expressed honestly. But maybe I'll just leave it all half-assed and then it will be just like our relationship. I know she still thinks about me, I can almost feel it. I was lazing around in bed on Sunday morning and it occurred to me that somewhere in another city she was alive and well, doing her thing with whoever. And it kind of freaked me out because I'm so self-absorbed that other people's lives just cease to exist as soon as I'm not in them anymore. It was crazy to think that should I want to I could just hop on a plane and be sitting across from her in a matter of hours. Why do I still feel like I have to deal with her? Why can't she just go away and not come back in the form of dreams or psycho imaginary conversations? No healthy conversation, no closure, just good bye. My stupid head is betraying me in this, I think. Thank God for journals. 4:29 p.m. - 2004-10-19 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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