Long Story Short ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The end of the week Fun fun times last night Resulting in strange strange dreams I got home and our two new pornos had come - yay! We watched Bad Wives which was a sexy premise but not too great a porno. But it still did the trick and I had to have some very quick pre-going out sex. We went and saw The Village and it was good. My vote for if a movie is good is based on whether or not it holds my attention - my attention was held, so good movie. We stopped at a liquor store on our way home to grab a bottle of red and some free moving boxes. We watched Newlyweds and it was hilarious. I loved the labor crew that Nick hired - four ex-con looking guys wandering around looking bored, smoking cigars. The icing on the cake was after they had left for the day one of them comes running back up the driveway to grab several more free bottles of gatorade "to go". Hee! I couldn't stop laughing. I had weird weird dreams last night. I was in a very "ex" place last night. I kept calling Hunter "Simon". I dreamt about her all night - her and Professor K. The one moment of my dream that sticks out was when they met. I never want that to happen in real life. Just the thought of it scares me. I can't remember many other details but they were such realistic dreams that all day I've been sort of thinking about her. No closure with my ex sucks. We haven't talked in weeks - since shortly after the fourth of July. I don't really know what to do about that. I dread the day that she calls me at work, but what if she doesn't? I don't want to email her because I don't know what to say. It's not that I ever wanted our entire relationship to end, I just couldn't be her girlfriend anymore. I miss her. I miss her intelligence and her humor, and how fucking well she knows me. But when we talk it's not warm and familiar anymore. I hate losing my best friend - I think I know that now. My work counselor (yes, I went to the work couselor a few weeks ago) told me that he thinks a lot of my anxiety lately has been from me not acknowledging that I've made a few big life changes this year. He said I have to let myself feel nervous about them and tell myself that that's normal. I feel like expressing any nervousness about moving in together means that it was a bad decision. And I wanted to be away from the ex for so long that I could never never admit to myself that I miss her. Or that even if we don't ever have a good friendship again that she was important to me, and it's okay to mourn the loss of something important. I wish I was strong enough to just say "fuck it" and not feel anxiety or nervousness or uncertainty about the future. I think new surroundings will do wonders for me. I've been choking on anxiety lately, waking up and throwing up before work, taking Pepcid AC like it's going out of style. I haven't been this anxiety-sick since my last year of college. At that time I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and put on two different meds. My work couselor thinks I should do that again now for a while just to take the edge off. I thought I was going to do it but now I'm not so sure. It's like admitting defeat in a way. I'm totally normal, I feel like how can I be so weak as to be crippled by anxiety? To the point where it makes me physically ill? Professor K has no idea, I blame my sickness on everything but what it is. I hate that but it's not worth explaining to him that I'm crazy and that my future with him causes me a great deal of stress. He will just take it to mean that I'm not certain. But I'm not! He says that he's sure we'll end up married, one of those couples that can't keep their hands off each other twenty years from now. How the hell does he know? I love him but I feel inadequate for some reason, like by doubting our future at all I am betraying him. If I even try to explain where I'm coming from he gets his feelings hurt. But here's my thinking - if he and I agree that we're going to get married, isn't that like saying that we're engaged? I mean it's not like there's a ring on my finger or anything but still... That seems like a lot to agree to so quickly. He told me that he wouldn't be dating me if he didn't think we were going to get married. This weekend we'll be apart for the first time in months. I will be spending the weekend with my family - it's Kristin's bridal shower. I am very much looking forward to that. Being able to sleep in a bed by myself is going to kick so much ass. But I am going to miss Bailey like crazy. This is the first time he'll be watching her on his own and I can't help but be really nervous about it. I know he'll do a good job but sometimes he gets lazy and falls asleep without taking her outside first. Or he wakes up Saturday morning and decides to shower instead of immediately walking her. So I know I'm going to end up basically nagging him about how to care for her even though he knows how. But she's my little baby and I've only ever left her with my parents before. I wish I could bring her with me but there's just no way. 11:33 a.m. - 2004-08-12 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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