Long Story Short ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My layoff story It's my anniversary! A year ago today I got layed off (is it "laid off"?) from my first full time job. It was a Monday last year - the leap year made it a Wednesday this year. It was a bizarre day. Normal in every way except for the meeting that I suddenly had in a conference room at 9 am. I had arrived at work, most likely a bit late. I remember what I was wearing - a striped polo shirt and khacki pants. My friend Melissa and I were planning to make a coffee run when my manager Christine came over and asked to have a quick meeting with me and my boss Dana. I said "sure thing!" and figured I would get some feedback about a project or something. We went into the conference room and I started writing notes - the date, the time, who was attending the meeting...and then Lisa walked in. Lisa was the office manager and when she showed up it was pretty clear that today was your last day. My immediate reaction was to say "are you firing me??" I just blurted it out, shocked. And Christine said "No, we're not, but unfortunately..." and went on to tell me that due to financial problems blah blah blah. I sort of went somewhere in my head, I could immediately picture myself driving away from the building, never having to go back. I kept thinking "I don't have a job anymore". And they kept talking, looking at me so sympathetically, waiting for me to cry. Waiting...and waiting. Because fuck them, I didn't cry. Not in that meeting. I was very calm and collected, I asked a few questions and pretended I understood what they were saying when they put papers and things in front of me. I left as soon as I could. I walked out of the meeting, walked immediately over to Melissa's cube where a bunch of my other friends were standing and said, rather abruptly, "they just layed me off". And THEN I started crying. As Christine and Dana walked by me to get to their offices I finally just reacted. My friends were very sympathetic but there's no feeling like being the odd one out - sitting at your desk, packing up your stupid pens and photos and tissue box. I had no idea what to take with me. I would have taken more if I had thought to but I didn't. People kept coming by to see if I was okay and to say how sorry they were, see if they could help. I just wanted to get out of there. So bad. I got phone numbers, email addresses, and help carrying my boxes down to my car. I hugged people goodbye, sad, numb, panicked, angry. A friend of mine waited behind and handed me a few xanax - a much needed relaxer to get me through the next few days. I got in my car, lit a cigarette, and drove away FAST. I was totally conflicted - on the one hand, my life as I knew it had just ended. On the other, I HATED working at that hell hole and I felt liberated. I went immediately to my parent's house and they weren't there. I poured myself a beer and took a xanax and called my father's cell phone. He answered and I told him what had happened. Apparently he was in a meeting at a car dealership and had to pretend it was not a big deal, but he called me back a few minutes later and was very concerned. He asked what I wanted and I said I didn't know, that I wanted my dog. He and my mother stopped at my apartment and picked her up and came back to their house where I was still in the process of deciding how to feel. I cuddled my dog, cried a bit, and let the beer and xanax put me to sleep. That night we went out to dinner and I was so unstable. My stupid boss, who had been out of the state during the lay off, finally called me to say how sorry he was - in a voicemail message. So I listened to it and cried again. He said something about knowing the discussion was coming and wishing he could have been there. Yeah, right. I'm sure he would have loved watching me cry. And I'm sure he was afraid I was going to go off on him. He probably scheduled himself to be out of town on purpose to avoid me. Jackass. I never did have a legitimate conversation with him. We played some phone tag for a few days. He set up a time to call me one evening and then never did. After that I gave up. I wasn't going to chase him down through phone calls if he didn't have the decency to free up five minutes to talk about what had happened. Still bitter about that, by the way. What a strange day that was. The next day was July 1st and it was beautiful! Warm, sunny, perfect. I layed on my deck and got sun, Cara called and we went to a park and walked around with our dogs. It was a really nice day, and the perfect way to spend my first day off. It took me about a week or two to fully accept my new situation. I had nightmares for a while about work, about my supervisors. I felt very anxious about not having a job. With good reason, really, because it took me 6 months to get one. And I dug myself into a financial hole that I'm still recovering from. My savings dwindled, my parents gave me bail out after bail out, and my unemployment just didn't cut it. My friend Melissa got layed off two weeks after me and it was bittersweet. Bitter because I would never wish that on anyone, especially someone I liked so much. Sweet because I couldn't have asked for a better playmate to be unemployed with. But god, it's really hard to be lighthearted and have fun beach time when you're out of work with no promise of future employment. It was kind of depressing, actually. Especially as summer turned into fall and winter. A year later I have a new, much better job. I am so much happier than I was in June of 2003. The anniversary really means nothing to me, except a chance to revisit my memories. And an opportunity to go out to dinner. It's just strange that that happened at all. It's one of those events that I still can't believe happened to me. I'm glad it did, though. I might never have left that place if they hadn't made me, and that is a fate worse than death. So, happy June 30th! 8:43 a.m. - 2004-06-30 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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