Long Story Short

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don't look!

Have you seen this show Superstar USA on the WB? I heard about it and actually caught an episode on Monday night - flipping back and forth between that and The Swan pageant. It was freaking hilarious! It was like the first episode or two of American Idol when almost everyone sucks and is really ugly. Only the whole show is like that! They pick the worst singers, the ones that are the most freakish and ridiculous, and then tell them they're really talented and that they're going to Hollywood. And these ugly losers are going "yeah, I had a dream and it's coming true! I think I have a really unique quality to my voice, and my style is all my own". Meanwhile when asked who they want to look like after their fabulous makeover they all, every single one of them, says "Britney Spears". Oh yeah, really unique and original. So...brassy blond hair extensions, smeared black crap all over the eyes, tree-trunk legs and a belly shirt. That's the "style" that will bring you fame and success.

Well, the show is worth watching, that was my point.

And The Swan...now there's a show I never thought I'd get into. But now it's over and I'm sad. What will I do on Monday nights at 9:00? Taking poor, depressed women with really low self esteem and mutilating the shit out of their bodies, what a great show! Having marital problems? Get breast implants! Your mother never loved you? A nose job and liposuction will complete you! I got kind of numb to it all after a while, hooting and hollering at the ugly "before" pictures and then catcalling or booing at the "reveal". Some of those women were stunning afterward, and some looked like heavily made-up heifers. I liked the heifers the best, clopping toward the annoying fake-accented host in their awkward stilletos with shy "am i beautiful?" grins on their faces. But the pageant was by far the most ridiculous part of the whole show. Women tromping around on stage, being forced to wear bikinis and lingerie and walk and dance seductively, all for the entertainment of assholes like me. And the whole time they're up there grinning and shaking their asses there is always their hideous "before" picture plastered huge as can be right behind them. So you never forget for a minute that they were ugly and overweight and had small saggy tits.

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Yeah, so....I'm 24 now. WOOHOO! Well, actually it's kind of anticlimactic. It's such a non-age. I had a fun weekend but it really wasn't any more fun than any other random weekend. I'm not really an event person. I am way more likely to have a great time at a spontaneous Tuesday night drunken chat session with my neighbors than I am during a heavily planned out weekend revolving around some sort of event.

The only part of celebrating my birthday that I really like is the time spent with my parents. They really kick ass in the birthday department. This year they decorated the kitchen with streamers and confetti, got balloons, had wine, champagne, three kinds of beer, homemade guacamole, veal, asparagus, and gave me all the gifts that I asked for. Also they staged an old-fashioned treasure hunt, with clues planted throughout the house for me to follow to my final gift. And what was that final gift, you might ask? A beautiful afghan that my mother HAND KNITTED from yarn she ordered from Greece. It took her four months to do it and it looks completely amazing. It's in four complementing shades of purple (my favorite color), the pattern is this really great zig-zag design, and it's warm and cuddly and all mine. The part that blows me away about it is how much love went into a gift like that. It was hands down my favorite present, and I bought a card for my mother so I can try to tell her just how much it meant to me. I feel like I could have told her a million times on Sunday night how much I loved it and it wouldn't have been enough. My mother overwhelms me sometimes.

So the party at my folks house was really fun and it was also an opportunity for Mom and Dad to hang out with me and Professor K for an extended period of time. It was the third time they've hung out with him so there was less pressure (i just wrote "preasure" ) of that whole first impression thing. Professor K seemed to have fun, and wasn't totally weirded out when my father and I got on rants about anal sex and said the f word and stuff like that. He seemed to appreciate it and laughed a lot and said some funny shit himself. And that's the best way to fit in with my family - just act like you've known them always, say things that might be inappropriate, and have fun.

After dinner we watched some TV - my favorite Sunday shows Viva la Bam and Wildboyz. I don't watch Pimp My Ride or Punk'd cause they're boring, so in between we showed my folks two episodes of Family Guy. Professor K and I LOVE Family Guy, that's some funny-ass shit, and he has the DVD collections. And my dad laughed his freaking ass off so that was cool. I also caught my mom snarfing into her beer a couple of times so I think she found it funny too.

Monday, the actual day of my birthday, was pretty uneventful. It was nice having a three-day weekend and not having to go to work. We woke up to LOUD ASS thunder, and I love a good thunderstorm. But this had to be the loudest thunder I'd ever heard - sounded like my roof was going to collapse. But it was still nice and cozy laying in bed.

The Professor gave me some really nice, cool gifts that totally captured what I like and the fun nature of our relationship. My favorite part was the separate card from Bailey and Hunter with a gift certificate in it and "I love you Mommy" from both of them, complete with drawn-in paw prints. How fucking cute is that? Any guy that would do something like that is so perfect for me it's ridiculous.

I'm personally a pretty bad gift buyer. I just never know what to get someone. And if by some miracle I think of the perfect thing, I suffer a great deal of gift-giving anxiety and am convinced that they will hate it. Stupid, yup.

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I just found out that I'm not getting paid for the two days of sick leave that I took last week. Huh? Apparently I am out of sick leave, despite the 12 days a year that employees are guaranteed. I don't understand that, but whatever. So no food for Carly this week, gotta save money so I can pay my rent in a week.

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Taped to my monitor at work I have a quote that I heard on Frasier: "Even the happiest of us can find reason to be unhappy if we look for them. So don't look for them."

3:46 p.m. - 2004-05-26

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