Long Story Short

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blah blah this and blah blah that

I just gave a presentation and I think I did a pretty good job. It was probably horrifically boring for those subjected to it, but that's not my biggest concern.

I like things like that, they make the day go by quicker and they give me a feeling of accomplishment. "I gave a presentation today!" Go me.

I had a great weekend and a great Monday night. The weekend was all Professor-y. We had to drive up to Maine to help his father carry a new grill that he bought from the store to his condo. The Professor drives a pick up truck, that's why that is relevent. It was a beautiful day for a pseudo-road trip, too chilly for outdoor laying around but perfect for windows down and music blaring.

His dad is really cool actually, he doesn't make me nervous at all, unlike his mother. And he's damn good looking, which is nice for eye candy and also for knowing that the Professor will age well. They don't look alike - somehow Professor K got black/dark brown hair and dark brown eyes when the rest of his family has blue eyes and light hair. But I like that he's the unique one, I call him the "mailman baby". Hee

Anyway, Professor K, Father o'K and I went out to lunch and had yummy lobster salad sandwiches and talked. I felt very comfortable with them, and they sat across from me so it was young brown eyed hottie looking at me, and older blue eyed hottie looking at me. Mmmm, nothing wrong with that!

Our drive back from Maine was fun too - we got stuck in accident traffic for a very long time and just sat in the car holding hands and talking and listening to music, watching desperate people around us run out of their cars and into the bushes to pee. Luckily I didn't have to go so avoided an embarrassing public display.

The traffic accident that caused the backup turned out to be pretty horrible, but the experience of being trapped in a truck on a highway was pretty nice. I enjoy spontaneous events during my weekend. Professor K was all worried that I would be pissed that we had to go to Maine in the first place, but once I got passed my initial "I have to get up early on a Saturday" reaction, I was excited to have something to do.

Saturday evening we had company over so we had to clean after the Sox game. It was one of those rush jobs - I don't think I do any other form of cleaning - so I took the dishes and he covered the living room. I was mindlessly scrubbing glasses when he came into the kitchen with a funny look on his face.

"When did you wear a tie?" he asked me.

"What?" Random question. "I never wore a tie, I'm a GIRL"

"Well, I found this black tie..." and he walked over to the table in my living room and picked up a tie.

I kind of giggled to myself when I saw the tie because it's been laying on the floor for almost two months. It belongs to George, a guy that I had over the night before my trip to Oregon. He left his tie as well as some laundry detergent when he busted out of my apartment at 4 in the morning. I had intended to give it back to him but I canceled our second "date" because I wanted to have dinner with a different person on St. Patrick's Day, and then canceled our third "date" because I had met Professor K. I haven't talked to him since late March, but I still have his stuff.

I told Professor K that the tie belonged to a friend of mine. It's sort of true, right? And then he asked me when my "friend" had been over and I told him a few months ago, which WAS true. He seemed fine with that and I went back to washing dishes, kind of snickering to myself about the stupid tie.

After I got tired and hot I went in the bathroom to do some last-minute eyebrow grooming. I turned on the radio and zoned into the mirror. I came back out at one point and saw that Professor K was on the phone and after he got off I asked who it was and he said "Melissa", without looking at me and walked out onto the deck. He had a beer in his hand and was being weird. Melissa is my friend so I would assume he would tell me what she said, or what he said, or something but he didn't.

I asked the predictable "Are you okay?" and he said "Yes" in that way that you KNOW the person in question is not okay. I knew I would have to pursue this further but decided to finish up my bathroom primping first.

When I came back out I grabbed a beer and walked onto the deck. He was sitting and I stood behind him with my hand on his shoulder and asked him what was wrong.

"Nothing"

Jesus, the boy cannot keep his feelings inside. It was so adorable how blatantly upset he was. I just said "Sweetie, tell me". He said something about there was something wrong with the way he thinks, it's nothing, he needed to work on controlling it. And I had no idea what he was talking about but knew instinctively that it had to do with the stupid tie.

He started walking away from me, back into the apartment and when he got close to the kitchen door he says "I was just thinking how I cleaned the living room a few weeks ago and I didn't find the tie then".

Argh. He was thinking that I had lied to him about when I had my "friend" over. Just because the stupid tie was black and had been sitting in the dark corner of the room - he had only found it this time because that was where I had been storing my deck chairs for the winter. It was a beautiful day so I decided to put them out on the deck for company and thus unearthed the tie. But he didn't know that, he's thinking I've had some random guy over since we met, didn't tell him about it, and the guy removed clothing while he was over.

Honestly my first instinct was to get pissed off. What the fuck? I put myself in pissed off stance - hands on hips, bitch look on face, legs apart.

But he was walking away from me as he said it, heading into the kitchen for another beer, and as I watched his back I realized that he hated having said that out loud and KNEW how fucked up that was. And so two seconds after I got pissed I just stopped and realized that I didn't want to yell at him. I wanted to make him feel good about the whole thing.

He came back out of the kitchen and I came over to him and looked into his eyes and told him point blank that I would never cheat on him, that I hadn't lied about the timing, and the thing about the deck chairs. And he was looking at me so miserably, it was so sad.

We sat on my couch and he said how he knew rationally that he trusted me, that I loved him, but that he couldn't help how his mind worked. He's been cheated on by three different women and that has made him overly suspicious. So I said the only thing I could think of, which was that I was willing to give him some wiggle room on the jealousy and suspicion issue since I knew he'd been burned before. He was so afraid that I would be pissed at him, but I just told him that as long as he was honest with me I wouldn't be mad. We talked for a few minutes about it, I wanted to make sure he was really okay and not just bottling stuff up and saying he was okay.

I'm really glad that I handled the situation the way I did. For the time being I really want him to feel comfortable telling me when he's having weird or suspicious thoughts.

My ex called me at work yesterday. It was a semi-entertaining conversation. Of course just about any personal conversation is more entertaining than work. We talked about various things we've been up to and it got cut short by a phone call from her "girlfriend" Kate. I was glad that she got off the phone with me to talk to her, it shows how our relationship has really changed.

It's funny because when she asked about Professor K I just kind of blanked out and said "he's good" and got all quiet. She told me she could hear me blushing, which I probably was. I have absolutely no desire to discuss him with her. I just can't talk about him, it's like I want it to be totally separate from my friendship with her.

She is totally the opposite. She went into this whole deal about how she's going to marry her friend from high school, this guy Aaron that used to come down and visit us when we were in college. Apparently he's coming up to visit her for her birthday and they've discussed how he's planning to attend flight school and once he graduates they can get married.

My initial reaction to that was 1)big surprise, because when she and I were together she often talked about how she would marry him and have me as a girlfriend on the side.

My second reaction was 2)you poor, sad girl.

Why? I am going to sound judgemental when I say this, so I apologize in advance. But she is talking about how she loves him so much with someone who KNOWS the nature of her relationship with him. Her decision to marry him reminds me of my situation with J a few months ago - a solid ex boyfriend and friend who I know makes me happy and I feel relatively comfortable with. Yes, there is love there, but it's not "I want to marry you" love, it's "I haven't met anyone else yet" love.

The other sad thing is how he told her it's okay for her to have girlfriends on the side. He doesn't care, he would be comfortable with that.

So basically she's just looking for a beard. She always told me that she was, and she's very comfortable with the idea of divorce, so a sham marriage is something she is looking forward to. She considers it necessary to further her career, and also to make her parents happy. And if that's what she wants to do I'm certainly not going to say anything to her. But it just seems so calculating and so depressing.

She wrote me a follow-up email to our conversation that I found irritating. In it she compared my feelings for Professor K to her feelings for Aaron, and I was mildly insulted by this. Mainly because I have never once told her how I feel about Professor K, I've barely told her a thing about him or our relationship, and I hate that she's projecting.

Also, her feelings for Aaron are obviously totally different if she is actively pursuing relationships with other people at the same time, and they are able to live as far apart as they do for as long as they have. It's just a totally different relationship altogether, theirs is a friendship as far as I'm concerned. And I'm realizing that I think she often confuses strong friendships with true love. She cares strongly about her friends, finds them attractive, and tries to incorporate them into her love life. It happened to me, it happened to other men and women in high school, it happened to Aaron.

I guess if that works for her that's great, but I can't help thinking in the back of my mind that she's trying too hard to pick a spouse from the already-exisiting cast of characters in her life. She's psycho in the planning department - every little detail, even ones ten years away, have to be thought out in advance. So it really doesn't surprise me that she is hand picking a husband. But I wish she could relax enough to just take it easy, not worry about marriage like it's a career goal, and enjoy meeting new people. Then she might meet someone that really completes her life, or makes her feel whole.

I can hear the "I'm okay! I'm okay!" message that she's projecting to me over the phone line. Another thing she wrote in the email was how happy she was that I had met someone that makes me feel the way she feels about Aaron, because now she doesn't have to worry about hurting my feelings when she talks about him.

I was a little perplexed by that line. There are a million reasons why she would say that, knowing her she thinks she means it, but she also probably wanted to be the first one to say it. I could easily have said the same thing to her about Professor K but I haven't because I feel like it's a stupid thing to say.

Obviously there might be hurt feelings involved in our situation, and saying it out loud sounds very "nah nah nah nah na na - I found love before YOU did", and that's so not how I want to handle this. So for her to pull a random ex out of her ass, decide to jump into yet another long distance relationship with him, and then tell me she's glad she's not hurting MY feelings, it just seemed so.... pathetic, really. Like something she put together in her own mind to make herself feel bettter about being alone.

Am I overthinking this whole thing, should I just let it go, and let her be happy with whatever she says makes her happy? I have NO intention of saying anything to her, even if she asks my opinion - my comments to her yesterday were that I was very happy for her, that I know she and Aaron have been close for a long time, and that sometimes your comfort level with someone is more important than your passionate love for them. And that's the story I'm sticking to. But my head is all confused and jumbled up and when I'm in the shower, or driving, or sitting at work typing a diary entry, I keep rolling her situation around in my head. I feel bad for her. I hope she isn't setting herself up for a big disappointment.

9:59 a.m. - 2004-04-27

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