Long Story Short ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Guilt = Stupid Entry #3 I have a serious writing fetish today. Could be the horrible burning pain in my stomach, or the fact that I had maybe two things to do at work today. I got an e-mail from J the Texan today. His pseudo-girlfriend Lela dumped his ass. Well, that's basically how he put it. He prefers "dumped" to "broke up with" because it is both more dramatic and more pathetic. I hate that, one of many things I hate about him, but that's not so much the point. The point is that I felt guilty about Professor K when I read his e-mail... and I really really don't want to own that feeling because I kick ass and I totally deserve to be happy. And happy with someone who lives in the tri-state area. Long distance for over a year meant physical starvation to the point of insanity. Why would I even consider getting into another mind-fuck like that? But as it stands, I wrote J back how bad I felt for him, how he was welcome to call me if he needed to, and I did not tell him about the new man. Of course I didn't, why would I tell him good news about myself when he's clearly suffering for the bad thing that happened to him? Is that sweet and caring or stupid? I am so considering canceling that stupid Texas trip - I still kind of want to go, but after that "you should have sex with Lela" email I wrote it off entirely, and now I'm feeling very conflicted about the whole thing. At least when Lela was in the picture he had someone else to cling to in his oh-so-clingy way. Now she's gone and a visit from me might be his opportunity to fall further off the sanity wagon. I swear to God that Professor K has nothing to do with this decision - I just feel like I've done enough fucking over of J to last a lifetime. And I never even cheated on him or did anything mean to him - his sanity is just so fragile that everything is painful for him. On the other hand, he will only be further crushed by my decision not to come. And I really have no reason not to - it's the beach, it's a long weekend, it's fun with an old friend.... I dunno, I have a month to decide. But not really, cause I can't afford a(nother) plane ticket that costs $600. I couldn't afford the first one! 4:48 p.m. - 2004-03-25 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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