Long Story Short
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In Case You Didn't Already Know My Middle Name
[1] What is your middle name?
Again? Really? Well, it’s still Diana.
[2] What color is your mailbox?
I don’t have a mailbox, I have a mail SLOT and it’s…silver? I think?
[3] Last time you had sex?
Oh. Uh…crap. Friday night/Saturday morning. Because I make great decisions, apparently.
[4] Have you ever hit a deer?
No. But once in Maryland I was driving in a line of traffic down a windy road and a ginormous deer jumped over the hood of my Explorer, clipping it with her back hooves. She ran off across the field on my left and seemed fine, but I think I peed a little bit.
[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
No. I basically take two roads to get home – my commute is a piece of cake.
[6] Do you get the paper delivered to your house in the morning?
I do not read newspapers. I don’t like the way the ink gets all over your hands and then you feel dirty.
[7] Who checks the mail in your house?
That would be me. Except for the days where the mailman gives all my mail to my landlord, and then I guess he checks it.
[8] Do you have a small driveway?
There is a driveway along the right side of my apartment but I rarely use it. It is longish for the area in which I live. (See! I didn’t end with a preposition!)
[9] Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you?
No I don’t. I just have one of the tones that came with my phone – it’s generic classical music.
[10] What do you do first in the morning?
Take Bailey out to pee, then I jump in the shower.
[11] What brand is your printer?
HP. And does anyone really care?
[12] Do you enjoy fighting with people?
No, I hate it.
[13] Is your hair naturally straight or curly?
Straight with a tiny bit of wave.
[14] Who was your kindergarten teacher?
I had two – Mrs. Foster and Mrs. Terry. For some reason our school had us switch teachers halfway through the year. Maybe to prepare us for switching classes later on in life?
[16] Are you taller than your mother?
Yes, by about six inches. I think I noticed that I was taller than her when I reached the sixth grade. My height advantage made it interesting when she was trying to get me to clean my room.
[17] Do you have a favorite word?
I can’t think of one. Although I do say “delightful” and “dainty” and “lovely” a lot, but only because I love the way they feel coming off my tongue. The word “tiny” falls into that category as well.
[19] What do you do to get over a broken heart?
Cry, talk, and increase my blood alcohol level. I’m healthy.
[20] Do you have a deep dark secret?
Really, no. I’ve told all my secrets to close friends at one point or another and found out that they’re really not so dark.
[22] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?
Sometimes. I like purple pens and green ones, but I never really have the opportunity to use those colors.
[23] Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My back hurts, and my stomach a little bit.
[24] Do you often cry during movies?
Not really, although certain movies make me cry every time. Like Braveheart.
[25] Do you hate your life?
Hee! No, absolutely not.
[26] Do you get mad easily?
I can get mad at some anonymous asshole on the road in two seconds, but when it comes to the real people in my life, no.
[27] Do you drink to get drunk?
Sure.
[28] What is your biggest pet peeve?
I’ve always had a problem with overreactors. The kind of people that blow everything out of proportion and try to rile people up unnecessarily. Calm down!
[29] What is your away message?
I only have an away message on my voice mail, I don’t enjoy IMing.
[30] Do any of your friends have kids?
Yes! Just one, but if Olivia is any indication of the caliber of kids I’ll get to hang out with in the next few years then we’re off to an excellent start.
[32] Who should pay on the first date?
Probably whoever asked for the date, although in most situations I think splitting the bill works out better.
[33] How many years older than you are you willing to date?
Five or six. I was thinking of writing 9 but that seems like a pretty big age gap. Incidentally it’s also the age gap between myself and my landlord, so ew.
[34] Do you have any friends?
Sadly, no. All of the people that I’ve talked about here are simply names I’ve given to my stuffed animals.
[35] Do you have any mean friends?
Not anymore, thank god.
[36] What is the ugliest color in your opinion?
Baby diarrhea green. Or maybe it’s just diarrhea that I don’t like, and not that shade of green at all?
[37] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn't stand?
Yes, I was good friends with someone for years who dicked over all my other friends, and me too on occasion. I informally ended that insanity last year.
[38] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously?
Uhhh…what? Is this the Suicide Survey or something?
[39] Have you ever been fired from a job?
No, but I was laid off.
[40] What year was your house built?
1629. I have no idea.
[41] When was the last time you slept in someone elses bed?
I slept in a guest bedroom in my parents’ house on Saturday night. I mean I was out clubbing? Shit.
[42] What brand are the pant/jeans you're wearing right
now?
J Crew.
[43] How tall are you?
5’11” If you’re shorter than me, please don’t lie about your height. I’ll know.
[44] What is the closest green object?
My bottle of envelope moistener. Oh and I have some tiny green post-its.
[45] What is on your feet?
Black socks and black flats.
[46] Do you always wear underwear?
Pretty much, yeah. I honestly think it’s more comfortable – and more hygienic.
[48] Do you want to have kids?
Nope. Wait, I mean yes.
[49] What is the brightest color you're wearing?
The shell I’m wearing under my blazer is peachy orange.
[50] Who is the last friend you have, that you would never expect to be gay?
No one really comes to mind. I’ve kissed most of my girlfriends at one time or another and lord knows I’ve turned a few chicks gay in my time. I’m just waiting for one of them to admit they’re in love with me…
[52] What's your mother's middle name?
Oh this one is great – Bernadette. Isn’t that AWFUL?
[53] Stupidest movie you ever saw?
I couldn’t get through Mars Attacks. Actually there are tons of movies that I couldn’t get through. But the stupidest movies are the-trying-too-hard-to-be-sexy flicks, and those are also my favorite. I love you Nomi!
[54] Do you collect comic books?
Um, NO. And frankly I judge people harshly who do.
[55] Do you look like your dad?
Yes. I’m sort of a blend of both of my parents, but I think I have more of his facial structure and I definitely got his height and glow-in-the-dark skin.
[56] Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
Tons – L Word, Queer As Folk, Dead Like Me, Sex and the City, Murder She Wrote, Golden Girls, Wow I’m Embarrassed
[57] Are you wearing makeup?
Yes, I always wear some pressed powder to even out my skin, eyeliner, and sometimes mascara. Burt’s Bees lip balm. That’s it.
[58] Do you have a tattoo?
As a teenager I assumed that I’d get one when I turned 18 but I never bothered, and I could honestly never think of a design or image that I would like at both age 18 and 78. Plus I know too many people who haven’t bothered to get their tattoos touched up and they look all faded and grody. OH! And my new thinking is that tattoos are like bumper stickers for your body, and I don’t have any bumper stickers either. I guess I’m anti-tattoo, huh?
[59] Are you happily in love?
Hmm…with, like, a boy? No. But I am happily in love with my friends, my family, and my dog. That seems to satisfy me right now.
[60] If you won the lottery you would:
Cut everyone out of my life and live like a hermit in a cabin in Minnesota, collecting my pee in bottles and drinking it. Wait. No, not that, the opposite of that.
[61] Is there something you want to tell someone, but you haven't?
Not really. There are some things I’d like to discuss with someone but I don’t know that it’s really necessary right now.
[62] Do you know how to draw?
Kinda sorta. I draw a mean teddy bear.
[63] Who is your hero?
I admire lots of people for lots of different reasons, but I guess I don’t have a real hero. I refuse to put the lame "my dad" answer becuase ew.
[64] Who'd you last IM?
I have no idea but it must have been ages ago. I used to leave hilarious away messages on Professor K’s idling IM account – things like “Justin Timberlake is sexxxy” and other really mature stuff like that. Who says I’m not a blast to live with?
[65] Do you work a lot of hours?
Usually 40 or a few extra.
[66] What do you do when you are stressed out?
Try to relax in any way that I can – walking, reading, crying, talking to friends or family, letting my hair down with a cocktail. Yeah, mostly the last one.
[67] Who was the last person that called you?
Little Red Riding Hood. No, wait, actually I called her. So it was Professor K.
[68] Is there anything you regret?
Lots of things, all of them about 100 years old and totally ridiculous. I don’t know why I still lie in bed and beat myself up about things that happened when I was so young that I didn’t have a brain. Nowadays I try to avoid the regrettable decisions, and simply make decisions that I know I can live with.
[69] Do you know where your family name originated from?
I’ve been told that it’s Norman, and would correctly be pronounced in a disturbingly French manner. No thanks.
[70] Are there any animals that creep you out?
Anything that skitters definitely creeps me out. Snakes don’t creep me out when they’re in cages but I saw a tiny garden snake in my folks garage last summer and did the ewewew dance for about ten minutes.
2:51 p.m. - 2007-07-31
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